Back when I first started my search in 2014 it became clear that it was going to be an uphill battle. I knew nothing about DNA test taking and certainly no clue how to interpret it for finding birth relatives. I started by reaching out to my matches, no matter how distant it became frustrated by the lack of responses. Everything was a waiting game. How long would it take before I even had a chance of making progress.
Each an everyday for an adoptee actively involved in a search is like taking care of a seriously ill close family member. They require your constant attention and draw upon your own physical and emotional reserves to keep themselves from collapsing into a mess.
I learned the hard way that some people were going to be helpful, while others, who might have vital clues would withhold them from me; usually because they felt obligated to keep secrets on behalf of their family. This whole world of new terms hit me like a ton of bricks. Historical references to things like the baby scoop era were completely unknown to me. I started to become paranoid sharing an honest request to close birth relatives, for fear they might completely shut down and stop responding to me altogether.
What started as an interest quickly became an obsession. I had to keep reminding myself that the people I was reaching out to had no idea how desperate I was for information. I would try and calm down and write my requests to them with as little intimidation as possible. Below my own surface I was righteously fueled to do just about anything to learn the truth behind my origins and the closer I got, the more dire my mental state became.
It felt like I was playing the role of some burglar, sneaking about stealing enough secrets that collectively I could piece together enough information that I could formulate a path moving forward. Some days I was elated with wonderful responses. While other days I was clinging to life itself with deep depression from someone slamming the door on further assisting me.
I made many friends and some enemies along the way. Like a bull in a china shop, I just got to the point where I did not care who got in my way or what lies I had to tell to get closer to the truth. It was reckless, irresponsible and justified by despondency. After a year of searching I felt I had sacrificed some of my integrity with people in general, just so I could uncover my need to know who my birth family was. I even had to constantly re-sensitize myself to the topic so I could go through the motions of actually caring what people thought about some of my bold questions regarding private family matters.
Only after my search finally came to its conclusion could I start to rebuild myself from what felt like a mid-life crisis. It all had become about me and what I needed to know. I loathed people who tried to be morally righteous withholding information to protect someone else’s feelings. Who were they to play judge and jury with my feelings?!
Yeah, that’s how bad it got. From the numerous adoptee forums I got involved with over the course of that year, I wasn’t alone in how I felt. Many had made concessions to get at tidbits of information. If it had not been for all the people volunteering their time to help me cope and handle some of the communications and reverse engineering of my genetic genealogy, I think I would have become an even more angry and desperate individual. At the end, I was not only out of my mind happy to finally be a truth’s doorstep, but also enormously relieved that I could start to rebuild my warped sense of reality – when it came to how I felt about people who were not afflicted by the absence of truth that adoption created for me.
That is what search angels can do. Provide feedback and dedication to your cause. While you try and maintain a sane and happy life behind the curtain of desperation for your story of origin. Many people went to great lengths to contribute their time and energy to my search. To this day, I still remember them all and hope they know that their participation taught me more about humility and loving people than any other experience I had before and since.